Primary questions

The pathway into the light, starts with the ability to answer primary questions. There are primary questions and there are secondary questions. Not all questions are equal and primary questions always precede secondary questions. In this process, there are three primary questions that subordinate all other questions until answered.

  1. Am I of worth?
  2. Am I capable of emotional intimacy[1]?
  3. Can I own my happiness[2], joy[3], and well-being[4]?

Secondary questions are unending and the answers to them do not bring satisfaction or provide clarity to the primary questions. They include questions about your ability, past, family of origin, spouse, children, mistakes, addictive behavior, failed relationships, broken promises, and more than could possibly be addressed.

If you answer the primary questions, the secondary questions not only get answered, but they mature and transform. Instead of rhetorical, victim-based pleadings (1st half of life questions), they become deepeners, data gathering experiences that draw one closer to the light. They are solution-based questions instead of problem-based complaints.

The foundation on which all happiness, joy, and well-being stands is your identity. If you know yourself; you know God. The greater the clarity you of have self, the better your relationships are. The closer you come to the light (willingness to be found) the greater knowledge you have of your shadows (false narratives). Only then can you bury them and take up a new identity, your authentic identity.

When we are out of balance in our emotional life, we experience stress, anxiety, and depression. When our relationships fail to bring us satisfaction, we start playing in the Drama Triangle:

  • Victim
  • Persecutor
  • Rescuer

If you feel this way and are willing to try an experiment, use the 'What if...' technique. There are 3 questions associated with the process. This requires an awareness that you are negatively self-talking (false narrative). The questions flow in sequential order.

  1. What if I'm feeling good? What if I'm strong enough? What if I am lovable? What if I can make good friends?
  2. What would that look like? (Imagine being that person, being strong, being lovable, making friends)
  3. How would that feel? (notice how your mood changes, how you feel differently)

This is the Think, Do, Feel model. For example, if you wake up in a bad mood, you feel lousy. Since your upstairs brains are connected to your downstairs brains, you will start thinking that you don't feel well. Then your feelings will intensify and you will think that you REALLY don't feel well.

This process (What if...), interrupts the looping nightmare of depression, anxiety, and constantly being angry and critical.

What doesn't work and which many people are well versed in, is the "What if..." process of valuing negative behavior. For example:

  • What if I'll never feel good?
  • What if I'll never make good friends?
  • What if I'm not good enough?

Too often, we counter the positive aspects of the "What if..." with a negative approach, justifying that we're realistic in our approach. The reality is not that you're realistic, it's that you need things to fail and you need to feel lousy so you can medicate your pain and justify negative energy-dumping on others.

[1] Emotional intimacy is mutual trust and respect. Emotional intimacy begins with self-trust and respect.

[2] Happiness is a state of being where one’s behavior is congruent with stated goals or objectives. It is the capacity to see one’s true self and one’s shadow simultaneously and have the wisdom to bury the shadow.

[3] Joy is deep satisfaction from doing or accomplishing something significant. It is the capacity to behold the results of congruent behavior. It is living paradoxically balanced.

[4] Well-being is emotional, physical, and spiritual safety. Well-being is a state of self-trust and respect.